Little Things Give You Away

“To the only man, I’ve ever loved.”

December 1st, 2018.

Today there are no words. Just feelings.

Heavy lids battling sleep. Trying not to let my guard down, I end up telling you all my favorite things, cherished memories, and the places that I’ve been. Hoping, that you’ll never get bored with my pointless stories.

I can’t ignore the possibility that we could be perfect strangers who would one day sing our hearts out in front of the mirror. Hang, our romance on the walls of our home and, kiss each other. Whenever we want to. The only thing that I’m sure of, is that I love your dog and I’m going to kidnap him soon.

December 7th, 2018.

The little things. The little moments aren’t that little. Every day you make me realize that I’m worth fighting for. Irrespective of the absence of time and signals, you don’t forget to remind me that I’m the luckiest girl on earth.

Your croaky voice at the end of a tiring day, to your shivering voice on a freezing night. I’ve heard it all and I want to hear it for a long long time. I love the sound of your laughter. It comes in waves and I drown every time. On the days that you’re sick or forcibly drunk, I just wish to hold you close, place your head on my lap and talk to you till you fall asleep.

I can’t help but wonder. How brave your mother must be to let you follow your perilous dream of joining the Armed Forces. I’ve known you for a few days but your field posting scares me. It’s crazy that although you’re a newly commissioned macho officer of the Indian Army old enough to guard the country, somebody as delicate as I am, I wish to take care of you. I want to know whether you sleep on your back or your stomach. I want to turn the lights down low when you wish to fall asleep. I want to make sure that you’ve eaten well. And if you permit, I want to feed you with my own hands. So you can use your phone. Because I don’t want you to use it when you’re with me. It’s cute when you fall asleep on the phone. You don’t need to worry that I’ll ever be annoyed; I know that you return to your room dead tired and worked up and still wish to check up on me. I get to hear you breathe and that’s enough for me, to carry on knowing that you’re there and especially that you’re safe.

It’s beautiful to be loved but it’s profound to be understood. I’m glad that you can differentiate the way my “okay” changes from sarcastic to timid. I wake up on Monday mornings with no complaints because every day, I’ve got something to look forward to. My phone rings at 6:30 am, your name flashes on the screen, my heart skips a beat and I desperately want this ritual to be on repeat. Your husky voice turning into a whisper feels like alcohol burning down my throat. Drunk enough to be high on you, sober enough to remember every word you say. The only relationship goal I want from you is for you to not leave me when time gets rough. My hormones get the best of me and I turn as red as roses. My hair, it smells like freshly ground hibiscus and my body smells like “Cool Water” by Davidoff every time you charm me with your, out-of-the-blue kinky sweet nothings. I never knew love could be this strong. You’re the first person I wish to tell the good news or rant about a bad day. Talking to you is the most important part of my day, and you strongly make me feel that sometimes when people say forever, they mean it.

December 10th, 2018

One day I’ll find the right words and they’ll be simple. Till then, all you need to know is that I’m your girl in the dark and I’ll be your girl no matter what.